New board member Mark Marten could see how the work MOMS Orange County had been doing helping new mothers during their pregnancy and supporting them as their young children grew was making a difference.
So as the nonprofit’s leadership was brainstorming some 25 years ago more ways to aid families, Marten, a father of three young children at the time, asked, “What about the dads?”
“The response was ‘Look, the dads aren’t involved.’ And I said ‘Well, why?’”
In short time, MOMS leaders created programming that for more than two decades now has focused on helping fathers with the role they play in growing a thriving family. Today, there are workshops where men can learn more about being supportive of their partner, how to take care of a newborn baby and how to stay involved. Skills that aren’t always taught, Martin said, but are needed.
And he’s been there through the years to watch dads graduate the program and spread the word to their friends and family about the benefit of taking the fatherhood classes.
“What we found is that our dads wanted to be more involved,” Marten said. “And If we just gave them permission to participate, they would.”
Fathers now are spending more time than ever with their children, according to the Pew Research Center. While mothers still tend to spend more time on caregiving than fathers, most Americans agree that moms and dads should split time equally on working and raising their children.
Fathers who have attended the “Strong Fathers, Strong Families” classes say it helped to be in a room with other men going through similar challenges, allowing them to relax and open up about their questions and concerns. Learning from other fathers has opened their minds, they said, to different ways of interacting with their children.
There’s a big mix of feelings that will come out while learning how to change a diaper or bathe a baby, said Dave Lugo, the current CEO of MOMS.
“There were some guys who probably didn’t want to be there. There were some guys who didn’t know why they were there,” Lugo said. “Being able to watch all the other guys in this room talk about how they never had a father, or even a father figure available for them, as they were growing up, and I watched these (men) break down emotionally and share some stories, which they probably never shared with anybody else.”
The fathers learn in the program about what it’s like for their partners during pregnancy. What kind of support do expectant moms need from their partners?
“If they don’t know what’s going on, they don’t know how to help,” Marten said. “We are trying to make sure they are supportive.”
Fathers going through the program often never had the education on how to be a father or what it’s like, Lugo said. People are busy with work, but finding those hours to be active with their children are so important for the family, Lugo said.
“If they are able to be a better partner to her, support her, in turn take care of the baby, then that family unit has such a stronger chase of success,” Lugo said.
Mark Marten, center, is surround by family members. From left to right is Wesley Cardenas (grandson), Nathan Cardenas (Son-in-law), Ariel Cardenas (Sitting oldest daughter), Arlene (wife), Spencer Marten youngest son), Lexi Marten (middle daughter) and Myriam Forero ( mother-in-law). (Courtesy of Mark Marten)
Reflecting on his parental journey ahead of Father’s Day, Marten, a Foothill Ranch resident, said he’s proud to have raised three now-grown children with his wife, Arlene. They are “endearing and compassionate individuals,” he said, with a sense of family when they get together.
When his middle daughter returns home for visits from Washington, D.C., he said the first thing she asks is “When are we doing game night?”
“That’s what she remembered and grew up with,” Marten said. “This was the type of family that got together, distractions were out and we sat around a table and played a game. It was an hour or two hours where we were all together. And you’d be surprised at the conversations that would come up when you’ve broken down that barrier.”
Those conversations lead to more opportunities to connect, Marten said.
Marten’s advice for fathers has some main themes: Be present with your family, communicate on your children’s level and make sure you are solid with your spouse, he said.
There are times when it’s better to let the mom take care of something or vice-versa, Marten said, but ensuring both of you are in sync with how to take care of your children is key. There can be differences between partners, but have the same foundation and principles, he advises.
One shared action between Marten and his wife was having their children at a young age decide to do things and make tough decisions on their own, he said.
“So that when they do have to make tough decisions you’ve laid a good foundation,” Marten said. “And have that relationship where they come back to you.”
A week ahead of Father’s Day, Marten was honored by MOMS for his contributions to the nonprofit over the last 25 years. While his work there, and the organization’s work, focuses mainly on mothers, his push for the fathers programs earned him the nickname “The Godfather.”
He has another newer nickname, as well: Grandfather.
Being a grandparent now to 15-month-old Wesley has been a different role, Marten said.
“Now I’m able to pass my fatherhood skills down to the next generation.”
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